Swampmaster: A Paperback Warrior Primer

In the late 1990s, author Jerome Preisler became a prominent contributor to the Tom Clancy spy-world of espionage and covert thrillers. Penning eight Powerplays titles using the Clancy brand, Preisler also wrote television tie-in novels in the CSI, Homicide and NCIS series. Preisler also authored the movie adaptations for Last Man Standing and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. Before adding “NY Times Bestselling Author” to his name, he authored two early 1990s horror novels for Leisure, The Awakening and The Pact. But, nothing could quite compare to the three-book post-apocalyptic series that Preisler wrote under the pseudonym Jake Spencer. 

Swampmaster, billed as the “first in the mega-mayhem action series!”, consisted of three post-apocalyptic paperbacks written by Preisler and published by Diamond. Considering the timing of publication - all three novels released in 1992 - the post-apocalyptic pop-culture phenomenon had likely evaporated. With successful titles like Out of the Ashes, The Last Ranger and The Survivalist finding a loyal 80s fanbase, the 1990s began a decline in sales and readers. Nevertheless, the publisher and/or Jerome Preisler pursued the post-apocalyptic genre with this short-lived series. 

The series opener explains that America was nuked and what's left are marauders, mutants and a new government called The National Front. Opposing the sadists, racists and warmongers of The National Front is the Free States, territories that have succeeded from the government's tyrannical union. In one of the Free States, a swampy area in southern Florida, resides series hero John Firecloud. He's a Seminole, trained in the ways of the warrior by his father Charlie. Firecloud is proficient with archery and martial arts, two much-needed assets in this doomsday environment.

After Firecloud's village is attacked, Firecloud himself destroys an Apache helicopter with an arrow and disposes of seven heavily armed men. As his father is dying, he passes on a message of leadership to Firecloud, who will now be known as the impressive Swampmaster. Whatever that means. But instead of Swampmaster fighting hunchbacked, radiated ogres, motorcycle psychos and the number one villain of the book, The National Front, the author provides 120+ pages of a planned bombing in Atlanta. 

There are pages and pages of nonsense about a bomb in a briefcase, who's got the briefcase and a car accident victim. The novel's final chapters has Swampmaster team with two kung-fu dwarfs and a former female swat team member to fight a female mutant called Itchy Peg and her two inbred brothers. After Swampmaster is nearly boob-smothered by Itchy Peg and subsequently saved by the dwarfs, the foursome travel north to hijack a train full of carnival oddities so they can fetch a pilot that can fly an Apache helicopter. The end result has Swampmaster swimming through a bay to climb a fort in St. Augustine, Florida to liberate a scientist that potentially can aid the Free States. 232-pages of dull, unexplained trash-fiction that unfortunately leads to a sequel. 

A few months later, Hell on Earth arrives. This second installment begins with Swampmaster and his acrobatic dwarfs fighting a convoy of National Front troopers. There's a hilarious scene where the dwarfs handspring across the battlefield to draw fire away from Swampmaster. While this is happening, the author introduces a carload of mutants dressed as clowns that are slave mercenaries for the government. It is this sort of stuff that carries Swampmaster into the realms of the ridiculous. I'm not sure if it propels the action or unintentionally serves as a distraction.

The bulk of the narrative has The National Front creating a new military compound off of Long Pine Key in the Gulf Coast of Florida. It is here where they plan on utilizing remote control mutants as soldiers under the tutelage of a vile villain named Groll (who plays video games called Hitler's Legacy and Auschwitz). Of course Swampmaster wants to stop the remote control mutants and put an end to Groll's dastardly deeds. The finale has a captured Swampmaster forced into gladiator combat against a seven-foot tall mutant controlled by Groll remotely. While certainly not top-tier literary fiction, Hell on Earth was somewhat enjoyable and an increase in quality compared to the horrific series debut. 

The series third and final installment, Unholy Alliance, reverses any momentum that Preisler had with the prior novel. Instead, what serves as the series finale is arguably on par with the Roadblaster series written by Paul Hofrichter. In other words, it's a cesspool of literature that should come with a warning label akin to this: Contents inside may put you at risk of blindness, erectile dysfunction and lethargic bouts of coma-like fatigue. Contact your physician or nearest urgent care if you read past page 10. 

The set-up is that warring factions – The National Front and Free States – converge on an abandoned Disneyworld to duke it out. It's a fascinating concept, bad guys running around the most famous amusement park in the world while a war party featuring acrobatic dwarfs and a Seminole warrior are attempting to stop them. Just for giggles, the author throws in eight-pages of a savage black bear fighting a doomsday cowboy while a gladiator game ensues with motorcyclists mowing down human heads while a drooling, wheelchair-bound madman watches from Cinderella's Castle. 

How on Earth can you screw this up? It's an amazing, awe-inspiring premise that Jerome Preisler just shits away! It's like Peter North showing up on the set and having no idea where to put it. This should be an easy one, but instead the reader is subjected to pages and pages of gun porn, mindless conversations about Cuban cartels, pointless backstories on meaningless characters that become decapitated in just a few pages. 

This is absolute garbage. If garbage was alive and had a waste can that it put its own garbage in, this book would be the filth-ridden wallpaper adorning the can's inner aluminum shell. 

Thankfully, this series was trash-canned, thrown onto the back walls of garage sales worldwide, finding solace in its mere obscurity. Who is this lone hero Swampmaster? He's John Firecloud and he'll rain on your Macy's parade every single Thanksgiving. He's the guy who hid the chocolate bunny on Easter and told you asparagus tastes great. He only left you a quarter for pulling that bloody stump of a tooth out of your pink gums and John Firecloud is the guy who crapped in the work toilet and left it there to dissolve knowing you'd see it and never unsee it. 

You know what? Jerome Preisler did all of that too when he introduced the world to Swampmaster.

Swampmaster #03 - Unholy Alliance

If Paperback Warrior celebrated a Hall of Shame, then two of the three books in this 'Swampmaster' series would absolutely be inducted. David Alexander's hog piss 'Phoenix' would be in as well as the 'Roadblaster' atrocity committed by Paul Hofrichter (also known here as He Who Creates the Horror). I despised Jake Spencer's (real name Jerome Preisler) series debut (“Swampmaster”, Diamond 1992) and its 232-pages of utter nonsense. The author redeemed himself with a quality sequel called “Hell on Earth” the same year, moving the action from St. Augustine, Florida to the Gulf Coast. The book, while wildly ridiculous and equally nonsensical, had a good story to propel its over-the-top violence and mayhem. The third and final book in the series is “Unholy Alliance”, once again released by Diamond in 1992. 

Jerome Preisler, my God man. Why? Why did you write this?

In theory, a book showcasing a drug deal between post-apocalypse criminal factions at an abandoned Disneyworld is tantalizing. It's a fascinating concept – bad guys running around the most famous amusement park in the world while a war party featuring acrobatic twins and a Seminole (they are the good guys mind you) are attempting to stop them. Just for shits, throw in 8-pages of Black Bear vs Doomsday Cowboy, a gladiator game of motorcyclists mowing down human heads and a drooling wheelchair bound madman residing in Cinderella's Castle. 

I mean...Jerome, how do you screw this up? 

It's essentially like Peter North just showing up on the set and having no idea where to put it. This should be an easy one. Instead, it's pages and pages and pages of junk. Gun porn galore, mindless conversation about Cuban cartels, pointless backstories on meaningless characters that become decapitated in throwaway “cut” scenes. This is absolute garbage. It's worse than garbage. If garbage had a waste can that they put their own garbage in, then this book would be the filth-ridden wallpaper adorning its inner aluminum shell. 

Thankfully, this series was trash-canned, thrown onto the back walls of garage sales worldwide, finding solace in its obscurity and staying away from unknowing readers who might seek out the answer to “Who is Swampmaster”. He's John Firecloud and he'll rain on your Macy's parade every single Thanksgiving. He's the guy who hid the chocolate bunny on Easter and told you asparagus tastes great. He only left you a quarter for pulling that bloody stump of a tooth out of your pink gums and John Firecloud is the guy who crapped in the work toilet and left it there to dissolve knowing you'd see it and never unsee it. 

Jerome Preisler did all of that too. 

'Swampmaster' is the warning label for bad fiction: Contents inside may put you at risk of blindness, erectile dysfunction and lethargic bouts of coma-like fatigue. Do not operate heavy machinery if you are reading 'Swampmaster' and contact your physician or nearest urgent care if you reach page 10. In other words, don't read this, don't look at it, don't buy it...pretend it doesn't exist.

Swampmaster #02 - Hell on Earth

“Hell on Earth” is the second novel in Jake Spencer’s (real name Jerome Preisler) post-apocalyptic trilogy ‘Swampmaster’ and was released by Diamond in 1992. Often compared to the ‘Mutants Amok’ series by David Bischoff (under house name Mark Grant), ‘Swampmaster’ is a senseless no-brainer, complete with mad scientists, Native American commandos and tumor covered mutants waging war in the Florida Everglades. It’s boneheaded Neanderthal action that makes very little sense to the reader…and author. But it exists, and by that fact alone I feel obligated to read and review it for the men’s action and adventure fans.

The series debut, “Swampmaster”, explained that nuclear war has devastated what was once the US. Since then, civilization as we know it has changed dramatically. By 2009, the country has been fragmented and now consists of 16 states that have unified to form The National Front (TNF). This TNF union is tyrannical and backed by big military. To live in one of these states is to ultimately sacrifice freedom and liberty; slavery and labor for food and shelter. While this is an umbrella theme through the series, the trilogy only focuses on Florida’s coastline and a small pocket of resistance led by a Seminole martial artist named John Firecloud…or Swampmaster depending on scene and page.

In the first novel Firecloud liberates a train carrying circus performers and uses the passengers as allies in his battle against The National Front in St. Augustine. “Hell on Earth” picks up a month or two later with Firecloud, acrobatic twins The Marcuses, Zeno and love interest Saralyn ambushing a convoy of heavily armed TNF troopers in the Everglades. In one outrageous scene, the Marcus twins handspring across the battlefield to draw fire away from Firecloud’s crew. Unbelievable. In another early scene a Dodge Colt station wagon emerges through the jungle carrying a carload of mutants dressed as clowns and wearing women’s wigs. These “White Trash” mutants are covered in tumors and festering sores and serve as slave mercenaries by TNF. It is this sort of stuff that carries “Swampmaster” into the realms of the ridiculous. I’m not sure if it propels the action or unintentionally serves as a distraction.

The premise for “Hell on Earth” is the TNF are setting up a new military compound off of Long Pine Key called Life Harvest. This is a laboratory sitting on an enormous oil well platform in the Gulf of Mexico. There’s a Dr. Guderian there who is playing mad scientist and allowing soldiers to remotely control mutants through brainwaves. Firecloud’s white stepbrother Bill Coonen is featured as a hired mercenary for TNF and proves to be a worthy opponent. Senior leader Groll, a recurring vile villain from the series’ opener, is in charge of the operation and routinely curses and kills his own men to show superiority while playing video games like ‘Hitler’s Legacy’ and ‘Auschwitz’. Opposing the over-the-top antagonists is the likable good guys. There’s Firecloud’s band and a cool little shopkeeper named Joe that just wants to help people.

Swampmaster learns of the existence of Life Harvest and leads The Marcuses and Saralyn in a high-speed assault featuring armed boats and jet skis. Both Saralyn and Swampmaster get captured and taken back to Life Harvest for the obligatory torture sessions. After strenuous and brutal exercises, Swampmaster is led to an arena where he must battle a seven-foot mutant that is controlled by Groll remotely. Saralyn attempts to free herself simultaneously as The Marcuses attempt to blow up the platform. It’s a climactic and awarding finale that sees all guns blazing in a rescue attempt, sea battle and a surprise twist that reveals itself to the shock of the reader. All of these elements play an important role in the book’s upgraded quality when compared to its predecessor. While certainly not top-tier literary fiction, “Hell on Earth” is enjoyable and rescues the series from the ‘Mutants Amok’ and ‘Roadblaster’ occupied cellar.

Buy a copy of this book HERE

Swampmaster #01 - Swampmaster

The 'Swampmaster' series consisted of three books all written by Jake Spencer (real name Jerome Preisler). This one was released by Diamond Books in 1992. From the synopsis and look of the cover one would think this is a hybrid of Native American western stuff super imposed over a 'Doomsday Warrior' sort of nuclear wasteland. No, not really. In fact, the cover and synopsis is really just a farce.

It turns out John Firecloud has been raised by his Seminole father Charlie and taught the way of the warrior complete with martial arts training and archery. Remember all of those kung-fu movies about Seminole Indians in Florida? I don't. Charlie also raised Firecloud's white brother Bill Coonan, a man who shows up early in the book and never makes another appearance until the last page. I'm not sure what purpose his role was here but it seems rather clear that Coonan has a good role in the second book. America has been nuked ,and what is left isn't described as the typically battle scarred wasteland that traditionally paints these landscapes. Instead, this America has its share of marauders and mutants but it just seems few and far between. In fact, Firecloud's village is actually growing crops and eating some semblance of a normal diet. 

The book introduces us to the new regime of America, a faction called The National Front. This government is made up of sadists and racists and wages war with the Free States or territories that have ceased from The National Front union. Early on we catch a glimpse of Firecloud using a compound bow to take out a helicopter of baddies hellbent on rape and debauchery. Using just his feet, hands, bow and the occasional firearm he quickly disposes of seven heavily armed men...and what amounts to be an Apache helicopter. This guy is the king of my kickball team. Soon, Firecloud is at the bedside of his licorice eating father who passes on some spiritual nonsense about leadership. He passes away and now, apparently, Firecloud has turned the corner and officially become....Swampmaster. 

I'm reading this sort of paperback adventure trash to get barrel chested warriors doing battle with hunchbacked radiated ogres. Instead, this story involves a planned bombing in Atlanta that will bring chaos to The National Front and the Free States. We get pages upon pages of babbling nonsense about the planned bombing, who is carrying the briefcase, where it is being dropped at and somebody in a car accident. At one point I questioned whether Swampmaster was going to make another appearance and if his Seminole Kung-Fu fighting was just all talk. 

Around the 120 page mark Swampmaster is introduced to the bombing exhibit through a third party; a female swat team member and her two martial arts dwarfs. Really? The three approach Swampmaster in the midst of his capture by a horny female mutant called Itchy Peg and her two inbred brothers. Swampmaster takes a beating and then is in the process of being raped and boob smothered by Peg when the dwarfs show up to lend a hand. From there they form a plan that involves going up the Florida coast to hijack a train full of carnival oddities so they can fetch a pilot there that can fly the Apache helicopter that was left behind in chapter two. I'm not making this up. 

Once they get Zeno and he agrees to jump in as pilot they hatch another plan that involves Swampmaster boating to a fort on the water in St. Augustine, climbing barehanded up a thirty foot wall to C4 a jail cell and rescue a scientist that apparently is key to the survival of the Free States. He does all of this in the midst of missiles, bullets and a horde of baddies that spend their spare time eating faces and sewing extra limbs on their captives. Swampmaster defeats them all and rescues Zeno. Along the way we find that the baddies are still alive and they want Swampmaster dead...and they will use his brother as a pawn. Boom. Story sequel coming.

"Swampmaster" is 232 pages of absolute nonsense. You and I love this stuff simply because it is over the top fun. Three fourths of this book is utter nonsense about planting a bomb in Atlanta and has no real connection at all with what Swampmaster is doing in the Everglades or the train full of carnival performers. Very little action, a ridiculous hero and bad guys that are middle of the road. I'm avoiding the other two books in this series and I'm begging - no pleading - for you to do the same.